Maybe you just totally tripped me and I didn't fall at all

***Disclaimer to this post being a garbled up mess of thoughts so I can sleep***

Life is seriously the most complicated thing -- okay I realize that is kinda a duh but lately it has been different. Like I don't even know what to do with it all.

I wish I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up. I wish I would have made many many many of my choices differently. I wish I could undo so much. I wish it was easy to start over. I wish there was a way to start over. I wish for a happy ending that I don't see ever happening.

It is like looking in the mirror everyday and seeing it written all over my face all over again. I think everyone else sees what I see when I look at myself, but in reality this is not true most of the time.

Even tho what was said should kinda go with the "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" thing but it doesn't. Its more like "stuck like glue" to me and has become a little to much my reality. Maybe people really do just sugar coat the truth to me, maybe I am not a who/what I think I am.

Maybe I am a bigger mess then I let on. Maybe you just totally tripped me and I didn't fall at all. Maybe this is exactly what I need, but everything I didn't expect all at the same time. Maybe you are just like the rest ((and trust me that is what I think right now)) or maybe your words really mean something. I mean everyone wants to be happy right.

I think this is all just a million time harder now or maybe its because I don't even know how to do it all anymore. I know over the past year a lot has changed and that it will never happen that way again.

How can life be so screwed up, all I want is my life back the way it was but I don't even know what that was anymore. I never want it like it was, but I do all at the same time. How can something be a dream come true and a perfect disaster? How can someone be perfect to you and your biggest regret? How can you feel so alone when you are constantly surrounded by people?

~~I just want to know what is true and who is real and I want a dream come true and a perfect disaster~~

Where did all the bliss go?!

Five years ago today we were happy. Five years ago today was supposed to be the best day of the rest of my life. Five years ago today when you said good night I couldn't go to sleep because reality was finally better then my dreams. Four years ago today we never fought (well we fought tonight, but...). Four years ago today nothing could bring 'us' down. Four years ago today it was still ok when I texted you at 8am just to say good morning. Four years ago today the pictures showed that no one could have been more in love. Four years ago today we gave it all to eachother.Three years ago today we had our rough times but I love was still the definition of you and me. We fought and grew and it was finally gonna be our year. Three years ago today all you wanted for me was happiness and if you smiled it made all the pain in the world would go away. Two years ago today we had our fights and shit was tough, but if anything could get us through it was the love we shared. Two years ago today maybe we were not even happy but I thought we were. A year ago today you were not even home, but I knew you loved me. A year ago today we had it all babe, but all the bliss was gone. Why did we have to be so young, why was I so damn selfish. Because now I sit hear knowing that I lost you. I lost my other half. But now I grow up, and have to realize that someone can only wait for you for so long. You could only wait for me to figure it all out for so long. I miss you and I miss this:- listening to Tiesto in the car for hours going no where- laying my head on your shoulder while you drove us home at night- calling you just to talk about how happy or sad i was about something stupid- watching you play your video games even though I always seemed mad- being late for bdubs because you just had to finish an event on FFXI or WoW-standing there listening to you argue with people at the store until you won- the way you would always have control of the situation - the way I would ask you 10times to take out the garbage and then do it myself because i got mad- the way I would go get dinner or make dinner and bring it to you so that you wouldn't have to stop what you were doing- the way you would call me boo- the way you would explain to me how something in a game worked over and over again until I got it- the way we would go to best buy for movies every week- watching star trek with you - going to bed next you everynight knowing even though we didn't say a word we still felt the same- the way you would text me just to say I love you- the way you were always there for me no matter what I neededYou always had my back and never let me downAnd so much more....I am so sorry for the way things ended. You are an amazing person and I am sorry it took so long for me to see that you were right. I had to learn to let the past go and do what was right for you. I never listened to what you had to say even when all you wanted to do was help. I know you can't see this but I am truly sorry for it all. I grew up so much with you, learned so much with you and thank you for helping me become who I am. I will never forget you

Remind....

When you wake up every morning do you have to remind yourself how much your life has changed. Remind yourself who is no longer there and all the things you have done to try to cover the pain.

Remind myself who I am even though I am not even sure who I am anymore. Am I that sweet, innocent girl that everyone says I am? Or am I suddenly lacking those qualities?

I am not sure if I can be the good girl that is successful at school and at work...I am not sure if I can be that girlfriend I was before or if I even know how to do that over again...I am not sure how life keeps going on when I feel like I am going no where but down....

Do you I continue to remind myself who I used to be or do I just keep living until something feels right? Why does it feel like what seemed so easy at 15 seem like the most terrifying thing in the world? Why was I able to give up it all and do what I had to do when I was a child but doing it now seems like the most difficult thing in the world?

"Change is not simple and when change seems like pulling farther and farther away from you it breaks my heart"

*you cut then you bleed, you drink then you dance, you smoke and the stress goes away*

The Yesterdays, Todays and Tomorrows....

While taking a shower last night, I thought about many things. Maybe its because I am back living in the house I grew up in or maybe it's because it's coming to the end of another part of my life.

School ends a week from tomorrow - I will no longer be a Metro State student, but instead I will be attending a school that I feel will fit me about a million times better, Hamline.

So back to thinking while in the shower - I was thinking a lot about who I am and who I was. I finally have gotten to the point where what I wanted to do has been what I have done. For me this was missing for quiet sometime.

I have found the strength and independence to live my life for me. So, now that I can live for me and do for me and be who I am for me again - I have never felt more accomplished. But at the same time feel like no matter how many steps forward I am not caught up.

So here's to the yesterdays that I have found ago, to the today's that I will finally catch up with and the tomorrows where the life we live is what we want it to be.

In with the new...

Well Friday was the big day..and in with the new it was. I moved into a new place, with new people and have new hopes. Hopes to have new friends and find new hobbies, hopes to keep moving forward.

But that old saying goes out with the old in with the new - well I left the first part off on purpose. Just because the future changes does not mean the things of the past can't come with right? What if what I want is the past - the me of the past the happiness of the past, the love of the past. What I want is to take the good things from the past and bring them in with the new.


LOVE,
Katelyn

100 Truths but there are some missing....

00 Truths! After you've filled this out, tag people and have them do the same.

1. Last beverage--> coke :)
2. Last phone call→ my brother
3. Last text message→ Donny
4. Last song you listened to→ Swing
5. Last time you cried→like last week probally

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice→ Yes
2. Been cheated on→ yes
3. Kissed someone and regretted it→ Yes
4. Lost someone special→ Yes
5. Been depressed→ Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up→ Yes

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Pink
2. Blue
3. Green
4. Red


HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends→ Yes
2. Fallen out of love→ No
3. Laughed until you cried→ of course
4. Met someone who changed you→ Yes I have
5. Found out who your true friends were→ Yep
6. Found out someone was talking about you→ How hasn't
7. Kissed anyone on your friends list→ Yes
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life→ All of them
9. How many kids do you want to have→ 4
10. Do you have any pets→ yup - Lady and Jack are all thats left but Shiloh, Mittens and my baby Kirby got given away :(
11. Do you want to change your name? No
12. What did you do for your last birthday→ gosh i don't even remember
13. What time did you wake up today→ 7:00am with my nephew Blake (he is 9months old)
14. What were you doing at midnight last night→ sleeping...went to bed pretty early...i was anticipating the early wake up call
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for→ SUMMER/Hearing back from the Uof M and Hamline
16. Last time you saw your father→ last night at like 8...i suppose he saw me this morning b4 he left for work though
18. What are you listening to right now→ Criminal Minds
19. Have you ever talked to a person named tom→ yup
23. Whats getting on your nerves right now→ idk homework
24. Most visited webpage→ facebook
1. Whats your name→ Katelyn Marie
2. Nicknames→ Katielyn, Katie, Marie
3. Relationship status→ Taken :)
4. Zodiac sign→ the bull
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Elementary→ Lincoln Center
7. Middle School→ South St. Paul
8. High school→South St Paul
10. Hair color→ BLONDE
11. Long or short→short
16. Height→5'3
19. Piercings?→ 2
20. Tattoos→not yet
21. Righty or lefty→ right

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery→none
23. First piercing→ ears
24. First best friends→ Katie and Gabby at Karens
26. First sport you joined→Dance if that counts
27. First pet--> Kitty named Mittens (RIP
28. First vacation→ Colorado...but i don't remember it
29. First concert→ Umm...I think it was the Tiesto concert over the summer
30. First crush→ Jared in like 3 grade

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating→ Nothing
50. Drinking→ nothing
52. Im about to→ finish watching Criminal Minds
53. Listening to→ Criminal Minds
55. Waiting to → idk

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? Yes
59. Want to get married? Yup
60. Careers in mind? Something in HR

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes→ Eyes.
69. Hugs or kisses→ Hugs & Kisses =)
70. Shorter or taller→ taller
71. Older or younger→ older
72. Romantic or spontaneous→ Romanticly spontaneous
74. Sensitive or loud→ Some of both
75. Hook up or relationship→ Relationship
77. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Both

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger→ No
79. Drank hard liquor→ YEs
80. Lost glasses/contacts - yes and it sucks!
81. Sex on first date→ no
82. Broken someones heart→ don't think so
85. Been arrested--> Nope
86. Turned someone down→ Yes
87. Cried when someone died→ Yes


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself→ Yup
90. Miracles→ Yes
91. Love at first sight→ Yes
92. Heaven→ Yes
93. Santa Claus→ Sure
95. Kiss on the first date→ Sure
96. Angels→ Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time→ No
100. Posting this as 100 truths→ Yes

Live, Love, Laugh

I started this blog when I went to Metro State. I thought I was finding something there, but well is was not exactly what I was looking for. So, now almost two years later, well it will be two years later, I am going to transfer school. Its either the University of Minnesota Twin Cities or Hamline. Neither school has the degree that I was getting from Metro, but I think that either one would fit me. Although at Metro I am almost done, just 9 months away from that peice of paper, I think that this change will bring much better out comes.



As of today that part of my life is still unsure, but for once I am ok with it. I am ok knowing that one way or another this will all work out. Change is scary but right now change is the only thing to make life a little sweeter, a lot more fun and a hell of a lot more worth living.

Love,
Katelyn